Ex Unibus, Plura

Getting the Family Back Together

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 02:56:20 GMT

Hi, first off, Joey's back. Can you believe that fucking bitch just ran off without saying good bye? Even worse, she left that psycho kid Troy in charge. What the fuck? Where did she ever get the right to bestow the jacket on people? I mean, the chick's just so obviously irresponsible and fucked up in the head. Of course she thoroughly enjoys having that fuck-up reputation. At least when she fucks up, she does it phenomenonally well. OH yeah, this is Joey.

Troy's done quite well. I'll be around, but this is all stuff that he started, so he's still in charge in here and will probably be out most of the time. The head family is all getting back like it should be. It's mainly me, Troy, Malice, and Strawberry that switch back and forth fronting, but there have been a few others who've come forward briefly. We're basically doing what's called "clown car-ing" to M. One body, and person after person keep stepping out and introducing themselves. It's all going well. And then there's the biological family. Troy's been reestablishing contacts there too. I don't know how the Hell he got away with one of those though. He called bio-mom at 3 am last night after we hadn't spoken to her in 3 years. She was so happy to hear from us she didn't mind being woken up. I had a really good talk with her earlier today. She's finally accepted that the body's bipolar, and she also seems to be accepting that this body is never going to live the way that she would have liked it to. She's just happy that we're alive, working and doing well. As for Troy's explanation for calling at that hour, he explained that he usually works the closing shift and that's just when he gets home. Yeah right! I got off work at 10 last night and met up with friends and we had a few drinks and some food! Ah well. Mother's don't need to know everything.

There is, however, one person who has now had the last attaching string cut. The fucktard recent ex bf. Yeah, while searching for the social security card before starting this job, Troy discovered some of his things in our storage unit. Troy's been trying to return them through a mutual acquaintance ever since, but it's never worked. But a few days ago, Troy made sure this person was working that day, since it's conveniently close by and public, and he tossed the stuff in the backpack. And then he threw on my leather and I took over. It seemed right anyway. I started that relationship, so I should cut the final tie on it. As it turned out, fucktard ex was actually there when I showed up to drop off his stuff. I was somewhat prepared, because Troy's had been having feelings for days like he was going to run into the guy. He wanted to front for that for in case things got ugly. (Troy may have recently cracked one of M's ribs just playing around and has terrified people twice his size before who were threatening him. The boy can fight!) But it was peacable. I just got out his stuff, dropped them next to him, and said, "Not my stuff," and walked away without looking back. And then I went on to do volunteer work for the theatre where M works. Yeah. "You're working nearly full time for the first time in years. What do you do on your days off?" I do volunteer work for a worthy cause. And all I get out of it is to see a lot of great shows for free, and get a free drink or two per event. And I get to meet lots of really great people. I think somebody once called this body lazy and said that I use people. Yeah right. Please disconnect your cranium from your rectum. Okay, Troy started both the job and the volunteering, but I'll do it cheerfully too. Yeah, it's very much becoming Troy's world, but I like living in it. I feel like I've recovered my lost youth!

Joey

Writer's Block: I'm So Excited

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 01:14:22 GMT

What most excites you about the way you're living your life right now?

View 500 Answers

The fact that I am living it as my life. This is not an easy task when you live in a multiple system and are used to deferring to those that have more first-hand experience with dealing with people and life in general. They also frequently disagree with the way that I do things, or did. The rest are beginning to see that the way I go about things does frequently yield positive results.

- Troy

Why I love living here

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 03:14:41 GMT

I was looking for job finding sites that I haven't already exhausted, and I came across an article about Capitol Hill, Seattle. Hehe. I turned in a resume at that coffee shop last week!
http://www.seattle.net/community/neighborhoods/capitolhill/

- Troy

I should call bio-mom today

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:38:33 GMT

I should call her up and say, "Guess what mom? You were right! I'm not really bipolar; I really did 'just decide to become some airheaded flake' in high school and quit paying attention to my homework and start caring about nothing but having fun and flipping attitude. The occasional outbreaks since of excessive spending, reckless law breaking, binge drinking, drug experimentation, and promiscuous sexual behavior have all been sheer rebellion against you. You're also right about my not being multiple. All those other people were just figments of my imagination. You were right all along. I'm nothing but a worthless little shithead who is never going to make anything of myself. By the way, HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!!"

We haven't spoken to her in almost 3 years now. She believes that we have depression issues because she and most of the biological family have experienced depression at one time or another, but she does not except the mania as valid. She does not accept us being multiple because in her own words, "They always find a way to blame the parents for that." Well, guess what? We neither know nor care where we all came from, except for a few who came directly from violent acts of bio-sis or others later in life, but there were already several of us here before then. Is verbal, emotional, and mental abuse enough to cause some one to become multiple? I don't know, but I know that it definitely does give you issues that take years to get over.

I doubt I'll actually call her any time soon, but it does make me smile to think of saying those things to her.

- Troy

This is Attention Whoring!

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 02:37:30 GMT

Hehehe. I found something really great for the profile here on multiplicity today. A multiple bingo board!

I suppose maybe I should have asked the original poster if I could use it, but it sounds like they found it elsewhere to begin with. Stick forks in my nipples if I'm wrong!

Joey

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 06:20:35 GMT

It's a night to celebrate,
I'm in a funk,
So help me out,
Let's go get drunk.

Only $10 to celebrate still buys a decent bottle of sherry. I'll burn stuff to banish bad influences later; good luck with that! When you live with a demon on board, banishing just never does quite work right. Sure didn't work on me!

Moloka'i

I'll be here all night.

Maybe all week, if the chaos keeps up.

Happy Halloween!

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 03:34:20 GMT

Not having much luck finding a lot of good Halloween imagery, but for anyone who likes this types of stuff, I found one reasonably good site: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/curly.johnson/halloween.htm

(These look best with black background.)

(One of the other headmates could have made this look better, but I just don't give a flying fuck!)

Joey

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 05:50:06 GMT

Due to the stupid little bitch hanna_grace raising her nasty little head back online again, this journal is once more going friends only.

Thank you for doing deliberate harm by getting specifically in the way of some one who is only trying to do something eventually good, meaning educating the general public on a topic that they need to be educated about. May you die a very long and painful death, with all of those you care about, who used to care about you, realizing what a stupid little shit you truly are, turning their backs on you, and refusing to give maybe that bone marrow transplant or whatever that could save your worthless little life.

I am NOT your personal entertainment system. Go get yourself a vibrator, preferably with big lumps and whirling attachments, and shove it up your ass, no lube.

Sorry friends and those genuinely interested in learning about this stuff. Write me a comment and I'll probably add you to my friends list. Blame the stupid little shit afore mentioned.

Nostalgia and source for one of my headmates' name

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 11:42:37 GMT

I just spent most of the night looking back through all sorts of old music videos to stuff I used to listen to, yes, only listen to, because I was one of those rare, deprived 80's teens who's parents refused to get MTV, and this was back before the reality TV era, back when "Music Tele-Vision" actually was all about the music, when it still played music and videos 24/7.... Oh the loss! Yeah, so I still had all the tapes (never did collect many records, since I never owned a record player myself, and to this day, between me and all the headmates, we still own less than 2 dozen CDs and a full big box full of tapes! Okay, got quite a few MP3 discs, generally given for free by various ex-bf's with CD burners, but whatever...)

Anyway, back to music that I was listening to back when I first took power. Yes, there were other bands that had to do more with just pure freedom, on any level, but when it came down to breaking the sexual bonds that my parents, conservative home town, and private religious school set, Lita Ford was the best voice and lyrics, with rocking guitar and drums to pound it to, and then somewhere in the middle of that, she comes out with a soft gentle song that for all the world looks like a tribute to her mother, Lisa. So once the kid was on the way and we needed somebody to be that warm, nuturing, and loving, without having any of that kind of example from bio-mother, well, she got named Lisa. (OMG! Pics of famous rock/metal star Lita Ford as a little girl and teenager! O_O Guess she wasn't born blonde, as she clearly states in one of her other lyrics, "Don't think I'm easy, I wasn't born blonde!..." Um, do hafta disagree with the idea of blondes being easy or stupid, since this body was at least born very light brown with red highlights and very quickly faded out to pure white-blonde in the hot desert sun, because while I never had a problem with getting into sex, no, I wasn't ever "easy," but willing to let that go for what I truly do consider a great female rocker. Besides, she made it funny</i> tossing that little lyric in to her song, "Can't Catch Me" - all about how she doesn't care how pretty the boy is; he's getting nowhere with her if he doesn't have something real</i> to show. But, enough already. Get to the pictures already...)

Joey
(And though she hasn't come to surface, yes, Lisa is still alive and well, just mostly dormant since there's nothing for her to do right now, but we've heard from her within the past few weeks!)

Oh yeah, little edit/update: For those that read my entry in multiplicity about the early 90's sitcom Herman's Head (Sorry I didn't respond to any of the responses to that post. I've read, but haven't really had a lot of computer access lately.) that I and my man both thought looked a lot like how a multiple system works (Yes, it was conversation between us that triggered that entry), I've always been aware of sharing a head/being multiple, but not so about many of the others until Halloween, 2003 (Yay! We have an anniversary coming up - anniversary of "no more denial - you ARE, in fact multiple!"), and our main front-runner at the time was in UTTER denial and got REALLY uncomfortable about that show, but I caught the rumor that Lita Ford was going to be in an episode, made us watch that episode, and it woke up a lot of the more dormant headmates, to where they enforced watching that show at least half the time... End result: There were very few of us that took it hard once there was no more denying being multiple, because between watching that show and a few movies and finding the multiplicity comm very shortly after becoming fully aware, well, only one of us still found being multiple as a "bad thing" that "needed to be cured," and well, RIP Jacquelyn, and for once I say that without any blasphemy or hard feelings. (Still have to sign that name, since it is the name on all legal documents, but the earliest she was here was age 14 - there were a lot of "Jackie's" before then, even though all of them seem to have changed their names just because of the "too many Jackie's" issue - and she was also an extreme suicidal; only reason she didn't kill the entire body long before that is that she's squeamish at the sight of blood and the thought of painful effects of poisons. So she found her perfect suicide - no blood, no pain, not even a rotting corpse left behind - and we've all gone on stronger without her.)

Love this show

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 04:38:04 GMT

Your results:
You are Wash (Ship Pilot)

Wash (Ship Pilot)		85%
Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command)		85%
Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic)		85%
River (Stowaway)		80%
Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic)		65%
A Reaver (Cannibal)		55%
Inara Serra (Companion)		55%
Derrial Book (Shepherd)		45%
Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)		45%
Jayne Cobb (Mercenary)		40%
Alliance		15%

You are a pilot with a good
if not silly sense of humor.
You take pride in your collection of toys.
You love your significant other.

Click here to take the Serenity Personality Quiz

(Aren't you glad I'm not having everybody in here take it and post all their different results?)

Joey

This has been cross-posted to the "real life" journal

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 12:39:16 GMT

Some weeks ago, Hell, over a month ago, he randomly threw at me his grade-shool, baby-hood records, very shortly after the first time we made love…..

Nice little modern-day fairy tale intro there, huh? Thing is, there are ANCIENT fairy tales where long after the the “prince” meets the “princess” and they get happily married, maybe even have a kid, the “prince” has something happen to him, and the “princess,” his wife, has to go rescue him. Shouuldn’t be surprise that those are some of my favorite favorite fairytales (right up next to the “women in shining armor” types…) But this is fucking REAL LIFE! (Tell me I’m living in a fairytale romance. Remind me that I only met him about 4 months ago, have only been offically dating for the last 2 ½ of those, that I agreed to spend the rest of life with him less than a month into dating – my spirit guide/demon lover no longer comes to me as lover, but he is in fact fae, and says that I am “born of fae blood,” so nothing but a fairy tale romance could ever claim me….)

He handed me his own “special education plan” paperwork from when he was a child. I just happen to have fairly high level education in science, especially when it comes to medical or psychological terminology, and I already have my “special needs” son, so I know how to interpret those documents. So I was able to explain to him that his father had a form of epilepsy, and he just said, “Oh, that’s where it came from.” Turns out I’d actually stopped a seizure on him a week before, without even knowing it. All I knew at the time was I saw him shaking with rage and laid a comforting, calming hand on his shoulder, and he said “Thank you” once hw quit shaking. He told me later that I somehow stopped an epileptic fit (stress/rage can trigger those) in it’s path without even knowing what I was doing.

So tonight/last night, well, there was no stopping that. He’s been under too much stress with work, recently got his hours changed, and his roommate just started a new college quarter and is thus RADIATING stress all over the place, and I’ve been in my own depressive fit, and therefore no help at all... So what’s that boil down to?

I don’t even know the time span. 45 min? An hour? And hour and a half? I just held him, while he went in and out of seizures for however long it lasted. I’ve had some recent doubts about this relationship, not about him at all, cause I know that he’ll be there for me, but I wasn’t completely sure that I’d be able to be there for him. Well, “I” couldn’t stay there on my own, but this is the strength of a multiple – one gets too stressed out, another one steps in. This body never left his side, never quit talking to him, never quit holding at least some physical contact with him (because during seizure, any single nerve group may quit receiving information at any given moment, but the brain is still alive, and something SOMEWHERE is still registering what’s going on at least some minimal level.) This does weaken the relationship at all; in fact, it strengthens it. He’s been so strong for me, more times than I can count. While I would not wish for this kind of night again, it was a relief for me to find that I (even if the “I” meant some of my headmates stepping in, but then again, you can’t have a full relationship with just one member of a multiple system, and there’s enough of us “strongest voting members” fully pulling for this relationship that if the “miscreants” show up [and he’s fully met and dealt with the worst two], they won’t have a chance of taking this apart.) I held strong for him, when he was weak.

So various medical info on seizures, especially when it’s grand mal and/or prolonged: people can lose bowel and bladder control (shit and piss themselves), can vomit, can get violent, without any control whatsoever of their actions. I was fully prepared to deal with any and all of that, because guess what? My son inherited febrile seizures from his father. (Nothing but grand mal, full pissing and shitting guaranteed, sometimes vomiting and violence as an aftermath sidecard.) My genes beat my kid’s dad’s all over the place. His dad didn’t quit having seizures until he was 7 and they surgically removed his tonsils and adenoids so they’d quit getting infected; my kid had his last seizure at age 3 ½, and with him being PDD (autism spectrum = hard to potty train) he was still in diapers, so it was just one more dirty diaper to change before taking him in to the ER to figure what illness was giving him the fever that triggered that last seizure. (Yeah, my kid’s FULLY intact, right down to “that” part; even if I’d had the $150 for that, I wouldn’t have had the circumcision done. That’s the way the male body is born, and to my mind, that’s the way it should be! And yeah, my son is quite proud of having that “little something” that his daddy doesn’t have, and I taught him “the foreskin song” to teach him how to keep it clean, even underneath.)

Uuummmm, so no threat of shitting or pissing, and when he looked like he might puke afterward, I did a quick dice roll in my head of how important was his health versus clean sheets (wouldn’t have taken more than rolling him over on his other side and kicking the trash can closer to the head of the bed at that point), didn’t really matter what number came up, I would have figured a way to get pukey sheets out from under him no matter what and still find a clean place to sleep myself; his health’s more important than any clean-up job, but I didn’t even have to make the choice, because then his eyes got clear and he became capable of speech again and he fully accepted my recommendation that he drink pure water instead of finishing off his beer, and I’m only writing this now because he is quite peacefully asleep (and yes, I have checked in on him several times to keep making sure; please excuse any disjointedness in this entry therefore, plus I do fully admit to drinking slightly excessively before this entry was even begun… wearing off at finish, but sheer tiredness is setting in).

Um, yeah, I do think I might have goofed, maybe he wouldn’t have kept having seizures. He was not able to speak, but able to communicate through hand squeezes and such between seizures, and well, it’s his “weekend,” and I got my money in today, so we’d been celebrating, as in drinking, both shy on sleep, probably drinking more than we should, and his roommate was already stress-fitting and then had a friend in need call up with need to drop by…. OOF! That’s a whole other issue that does need to be written up, but not tonight. Not tonight.

You know it’s love when you’re a fully admitted sex-addict, and have finally met a man who’s drive not only equals, but possibly rivals your own, yet you both fell in love before sex even entered the picture, and even though I know that if I woke him up right now and told him I wanted some action, he wouldn’t tell me “No,” but I saw, I felt, how hard his body spasmed, know how exhausted his body is, and only reason I didn’t try to stop the spasms, let his body wear itself out, is because I have medical knowledge that that’s the WORST thing to do during a seizure….. And I never left his side. I kept touching, however I could, I kept talking, and some of those words were part of traditional marriage vows: “In sickness and in health, I take you. In weakness and in strength, I take you.”

I suppose I’ll have to make separate entry for those that have gotten bored or just chosen not to dip beneath the cut, just like I’ll have to repost pictures, or maybe post new ones, once I get my digicam installed and maybe find a better photographer, but for the record, yes, we are engaged. Engaged specifically to not be married, but to be life-committed. (Neither one of us believes in “traditional” marriage, but we do both believe in commitment. We do have some slightly different views on how a life-commitment ceremony should be done, and that’s why tentative date is next Hallowe’en [Samhain], and not this one. [Doesn’t mean we might not take non-legal vows between now and then, and fully live life-committed like the ceremony’s already been done whatever happens, but yes, we do have some differring views, and as far as I’m concerned, the working out of those details just makes the relationships as a whole that much more interesting! Show me a man that I can “walk allover,” and I’ll throw him down and make him my living bridge to that guy that pisses me off, drives me up the wall, challenges me in all the right ways, and even sometimes the wrong ones, and THERE lies the path to my heart, so long as he feels the same way about me!])

Well wishes to all

From, all that chose to step forward now, including all mentioned, but excluding none:
Joey, Rhiannon, Shel, Wish, Mickey, Jolyn, Jade, Myriad, Malice, Lia, ... names are getting forgotten; emotional high!

Just Updating Stuff

Sun, 30 Sep 2007 06:03:42 GMT

Shel was up last night/this morning. (Geesh, all I did was grab her green velvet hooded poncho thing to pad the headboard so it won't bang, and she woke up and took over...) According to her what I thought was a burn on my neck that I couldn't figure out how I got it is actually a hickey so severe it peeled skin.... (You'd think I would have felt that!)

Um, dreamed last night about stuff from Jade's (J8's) life before the space pirate incarnation that she finally woke up as. Always fun to get lost in dreams of her life that she lives completely outside of this body. Almost makes me not mind that I am sleeping excessively. Stiff neck and sore right thumb. Neck's been stiff and/or sore for a few days, but what the Hell happened to my thumb? ::shrug:: Oh well. Life goes on.

Joey

Tick Tick Tick....

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 02:36:04 GMT

You ever get that feeling like something BIG is about to happen, but no idea what?

Bah. Been sick, recovering from shoulder injury, having migraines, and therefore not online this week. Only thing of interest lately has been the dreams I've been having. Dreams have involved teenage males in conflict or conflict-resolution themes, at least according to the dream encyclopedia I picked up a few months ago. My first thought was that maybe it was one or more of the boys trying to bring something to community attention, because that technique was used regularly back before we all became aware, but these "teen boys" don't quite seem like any of the boys in here. Dream book also says when children appear in dreams, the age of the child represents not the age of the dreamer, but how many years ago something happened that needs to be addressed. Either way, assuming teenagers can be viewed as children, this would put the timing somewhere between 17 and 20, right when I first took main control in here. Male image is also supposed to represent the animus (male) part of the soul as opposed to the anima (female) part of the soul, but not sure if that applies to a multiple system with full males who are (for the most part) quite well-adapted to living in a female body.

I suppose that should get posted in the "real life" journal, probably in more detail, but I want to see what happens if I post it here first, see if any of the boys show up to give further insight. In the meantime, any opinions out there from both- or many-gendered multiple systems on this?

Joey

Forgot how that girl can dance....

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 02:39:37 GMT

Went out last night. I knew there was someone pushing in in me, and I figured it was Rhiannon, since I was wearing her pointy-toed, high-heeled boots and a dress very much her style (dark purple, medieval style. She prefers purple and black, and medieval, Rennaissance, or gypsy styles.), but, always a surprise in here. Gabby showed up. Oh well, I'm okay with being wrong; I've been wanting her to come out and get involved in this relationship for a while now, cause she's fun and wacky, but still responsible. Trouble is, we don't know any way to "trigger" her forward except for role-playing games, and there's no chance of forming a group right now. But, she showed up on her own, and I swear but the body through more of a work out dancing to a single song (Sisters of Mercy - "Lucretia, My Reflection") than any of the rest of have in an entire week. (Yep, sore thighs on the dance floor, severe leg and foot cramps after getting home and finally getting out of those boots. Gabby isn't comfortable in heels, but she managed not to fall down on the dance floor anyway.)

Gabby didn't last until we got home, but at least she was out. Lia surfaced right before sleep. She seems to be a very young teenager right now, very sad and lonely, but she didn't speak, didn't do anything but cuddle, and kept from crying. No, I don't think that tears are bad, but the body needed to sleep, and her having a crying fit would only bring up questions that would take too long to answer right then. Oh well. I guess Lia's okay to be out for short periods so long as there's no alcohol in the house. If there's alcohol around, she'll do just like the bio older sister that she bases herself on, which means getting herself thoroughly trashed and doing some really stupid and irresponsible stuff.

Joey

Ok, I'll stay

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 09:21:01 GMT

Maybe not forever, no guarantees at all how long, but I'll stay, for a while at least.

Joey just walked me back through old high school memories, and while she was always right by my side (foot note: semi-aware: I always knew that there were other voices, other drives in my head I had to turn on the right music to "black out" for the high-level math and science homework to get done, come to with it finished and tape on it's last song, no idea how many times it got played or if there was other music, but I did say something to my Mom, "I'm not a multiple personality, it's just I have very different "attitudes" at times. Median within a multiple system. Now I finally understand.), it was me holding front, teaching the rest how to do things that they never saw the reason for or figured out how to do before. Joey's wrong. They do still need me. That's the only guarantee I'll give, is that I'll stay until they don't need me anymore. I knew that was part of the risk of claiming an icon here. They will get stronger hold on me. I did it to let them fully find me to let me go, but I knew it would also give them stronger hold to keep me here. You live life by the double-edged sword in here. (Not my words, but it rings true.)

It would hurt them too much to let me go right now, and while they may not be on the life path that I would have chosen, while this may not be the man I would have chosen, I think they've made good decisions, and I always was "mature beyond my years," because I didn't have much in common with other high school students, but had all sorts of stuff in common with the teachers or my Dad's friends from work that we went backpacking with.

I was going to write more, but I just took a bathroom break, and took a full look in the bathroom mirror, and it's not about the hair being cut shoulder-length, stick-straight, and dyed red, it's not about some age lines around the eyes, forehead (I had those in high school, cost of taking high-level math and science courses - ALGF [Association of Large Greasy Foreheads] live on forever! The other comparisons can get forgotten, just had to get the ALGF recignized somewhere.) Age regression would not show my face. I'll stay with them as long as they truly need me, but I do not belong here anymore. Joey's fighting with me. She's been through, "It's not my life anymore, I gave up at some point, but since none you [affectionate swear terms] will come forward, I'm taking life back over in MY image." I respect her for it, but I don't have it in me to take back over a life I gave up. I'll go with the flow, carry it out until they really and don't need me anymore, but I've had my "perfect moment in the spotlight." Keep me as an inspirational muse, maybe, with full understanding that I will leave some day?

~*Jolyn*

Um, WTF?

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 07:21:03 GMT

I got fought for "front" during sex earlier tonight. That's not what has me confused. Malice fights me for "front" during sex all the time, because she wants to be a bigger "bad girl" than I am, but she never can be. I fully earned my rep, dealt with all the bad stuff said about me behind my back by females, dealt with the wrong guys hitting on me aggressively because they'd heard - fuck "putting out" on the first date, I'll take a guy (or girl, or both at once) to bed the first night I meet them if the chemistry and mood is right, but I don't "roll over" for just anybody. It's a detail that frat pigs, players, and all sorts of other "bottom feeders" fail to get - I may have not been looking for "true love," but I always was looking for somebody who could stimulate me outside of bed before we ever get to the mattress. (Touch the mind, touch the heart, the body will rapidly follow.) Malice is a precocious 12; she doesn't get it. She was just looking for physical bodies to screw, in every weird, kinky way she could come up with. Go back to bed, and take your cranky whining with you, little girl.

No, I got fought by Jolyn tonight. Um, excuse me, but aren't you supposed to be the golden sunshine, pure white Christian girl in here? Right. I saw her reasons for going dormant wrong, and no I don't have a problem admitting when I'm wrong. I thought she couldn't handle growing up, and even if she'd learned that, that she couldn't deal with the highly sexual way, no ring even wanted, that this body lives. We're all used to her being happy, and surprised the hell out of us when she forced her way surface and was anything but happy. I think she stated that she went dormant because she was built out of false pretenses, and she didn't want to be false. Her color is royal/electric blue, and she is "true blue." She may have walked in high school as a good example, but she had her little counter things going - smart blonde, in spite of the fluffy blonde permed hair, not ever popular with the popularity queens, but popular enough (and two of her closest friends were the principal's son and daughter!) that very few people would mess with her, never did get a full boyfriend, but got dates (and OH GOD! The guys she brought to the high school banquets - banquets because dancing was looked down upon by that school - all the girls in the school would tell her the following Monday how cute/hot her date was with "Where did you find him?" So, no, Jolyn didn't get everything accomplished that she was built to do, but she got close enough, and I'll fully admit that my ability to take an insult, turn it into a joke, and through something else right back was learned from her. I only knew how to mean, bitterly throw back, and still took all the pain from the initial insult.

So about tonight, because you dirty voyeurs will want to read, (No offense meant to friends; I call my own male headmates and my boyfriend/lifemate "dirty bastards" half the time - It's a term of endearment.) How did I miss those details? Jolyn was up for first kiss, first make out session, and when I plagued her too much about her supposedly being virgin, she came back with (loudly, defiantly), "There's no hymen to be broken anymore. It won't hurt me. You wanted me to experience a final happy moment before I left, maybe I choose to have my 'first dance/last dance' in bed instead of on a dance floor, SHUT UP AND GIVE ME THIS ALREADY!" Well, except for the fact she never identified to him, wouldn't let me tell him afterward (but then again, it works with how he works. I apparently slept with one of his virgin members a couple weeks ago, who then left immediately afterward, and first news I got about it was the next day with "He's gone." That member has returned since, but I would have been a bit more cautious with a virgin, but he didn't want it that way, and I guess Jolyn didn't either. Well, fuck, she turned some of her former bullies into friends, some that even I couldn't get past, so I guess she is that tough. Yeah, for record, inside this head, when somebody wants as close to private time as ever happens in a multiple system, the common mental images that go with it are shrugging somebody off your shoulders, kicking them back, or building a solid brick wall. Jolyn volleyball spiked/SERVED/slammed me back, because she was in fact on the volleyball team in high school, and apparently the left shoulder troubles that we're currently having is partially based on that. We don't remember a previous left arm/shoulder injury, but she does! Yeah, she also rebelled even against us by training herself to be primarily left-handed, which while Lynne's very nearly ambidexterous, only the boys had ever been fully left-handed before Jolyn.) I suppose I might have to tell him tomorrow morning, or maybe afternoon, since he works graveyard shift and will likely want to go to sleep very shortly after he gets home.

Anyway, I can't hear Jolyn right now, but her way to leave the body was for Wish to take her to his fae realm, where the sun shines and beautiful flowers bloom all the time (except for the areas where it's pitch-black night, frigid winter all the time, but time works weird there - all seasons and terrain happen at all times, you just have to state which one you'd prefer to be in and you're there), and he reassures me he hasn't done that yet. Be careful what you ask for; you just might get it! I told Jolyn that while she was built on falsehood, she grew and developed and made herself real, and that means she can grow and develop even further if she just chose to live a few days in this current life.

The only question I'm left with, yeah, I do still wonder whether Jolyn is going to stay or go, but the important question is: Can I or anyone else in this system deal with a happy bouncy good-girl cheerleader who can also fully walk the path of sin? (The movie Grease with Sandra Dee has NOTHING on this! Uh boy. Did I just release a new "demon" into the system? Mighty Mouse, 98 pound "weakling" (who's a hell of a lot stronger than she looks!), these are some of the labels Jolyn gave herself in high school, and they were utterly forgotten while she was dormant. So we just may have a new champion in the ring. Just hope she takes the right side (right side being "work together for the collective/whole body good) I'm pretty sure she will, but she's surprised me a LOT in the last few days. Little Miss Teenage Sunshine is all grown up now. She's come forward for her "happy moment," even though it wasn't what I wanted her to have (but then again, it's more important that she took the "happy moment" that she wanted) If she still chooses to leave, I won't hold her back anymore. If she chooses to stay, well, I just hope she takes "our" side, because I never realized before how really string and mighty she is and I SURE don't fight her!

At least she's decided that she really likes Evanescence, who is the band that pretty much all of us are *highly* into right now. On that note, for those that don't read the "real life" journal, link to the video that literally woke her back up, because while she had the natural blonde hair, the curls were permed, and she never let herself get photographed without full pretty-and-perfect make up on, because she knew her life was anything but perfect, and doing her hair and make up was literally putting on a "happy mask" to show the world.

Um, Video Link

Joey

Survey Thingie

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 00:53:26 GMT

1. Do you have a tattoo?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you single or taken?
4. Fish?
5. Do you dream in color?
6. Ever seen a corpse?
7. Hipsters or Hillbillies?
8. How did we meet?
9. What's your philosophy on life and death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police?
12. Do you like musicals?
13. What is your fondest memory of me?
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
15. Would you cheat ?
16. What are you wearing?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Which do you prefer - short or long hair?
21. What's your favorite day of the week?
22. What's your favorite color?
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
25. What was your first impression of me?
26. Have you ever done drugs?
27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

Joey

I say hello, please say goodbye, I will not die, but let me move on

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 09:30:38 GMT

JOey made an entry in the other journal recently that was mostly about our mother, but she broke the rules, used one of our names in a public entry, and the name was mine. The entry had to do with being a "perfect person" to outward eyes, no matter how messed up you are inside. The song and video that went with it was Evanescense's "Everybody's Fool." It's got this perfect curly blonde haired, flawless make up, just enough to look full pretty, advertising a box of lies. I did not go dormant because I was afraid of growing up. I went dormant because I realized that everything that I was built upon was lies, and I found the real world anyway, and it went against everything my parents, church, teachers had ever told me, and I didn't know what to do with that, and I lost my HUGE smile CAPS pushed on me by headmates, because apparently, that's the only way they can speak about my smile. Apparently, nobody in here had known how to smile in years before they made me. That's part of why they don't want to let me go. But they've refound the smile again, and it's not a temporary thing anymore. I have not stepped forward on any date yet, but I've been watching from behind any and all of your eyes when you go out in public with this man, and that's why you feel like you're a teenager on a 1950's style date for burgers and a coke (They shield from the alcohol, but I do know it's usually Jack Daniels and coke)

He makes all of you smile as wide and huge as only I could do on my own before. You have the smile, and you have it in truth. I was built out of lies, trying to please all sorts of people, parents, church, teachers, that no longer affect us. Please let me go. You do not need me anymore, and I do not like living in this world built of lies. Wish has already told you he can take me away to his fae realm. You'll still be able to talk to me; I just might not be able to come forward and take over the body anymore. I was only built to survive as long as high school lasted, and I survived slightly longer than that. You've kept me in a loving cocoon, but still, a confining cocoon, for all these years since. Thank you for keeping me alive, but it's written on notebook paper, Wish saw it, I have no place in this world. Please let me go. I can be your perfect cheerleader, angel, gleaming golden girl inspiration, but you guys don't need me to smile for you anymore. Let me go. Let me go. If you make me walk forth again in this world, I will only lose my smile and bring all the rest of you down. Let me leave with a smile on my face, and video from what you all know is my favorite movie. Let me leave having the time of my life! I don't even need to dance it anymore. This guy has found even my long-dormant and forgotten teenage dreams to life. You don't need my inner bouyancy to hold you up anymore. He's not going to walk away. So have the time of your life, for the rest of your lives. I'll try to stay up long enough for him to get home to greet him and explain why I'm leaving, but I may have already cut too many bonds. I may not make it, and if that happens, you know to direct him here, or just maybe now you can finally rent Dirty Dancing with him, which I know, none of you have been able to watch or even listen to the songs to, because it was my favorite movie, and you couldn't touch it unless I was near.

Jolyn

Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TL8rlRc4uWI&mode=related&search=

Trying to Keep This Brief (and Failing?...)

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 03:32:46 GMT

Several of us have been out in the last few days. The walls are completely down, and people will come forth as they choose. It's been mostly okay, but that dream that needs no interpretation did almost set off some negative stuff. The dream: I dreamed that I was at the male-bodied multiple ex's current place (The one that we were with when w all became aware of being multiple, and his system did too). I was standing on a ledge or small table under the kitchen window, barefoot, and there were plants there that I kept knocking over because there really wasn't enough room for me to stand there, but for some reason, I wasn't allowed to move anywhere else. He was sitting across the room at his computer, and while he was mostly playing some video game, he kept turning around and saying stuff about how we got keep the headmates under wraps, quit the rapid switching, don't let some of us out at all, blah blah blah, basically all of the same shit that went on during that relationship. And I/we kept switching every few seconds, and there was no control over it, and we kept arguing that that's just the way that we work, and have always worked, and it's better for us all if we continue to work that way. Through this all, I was thinking about current bf/lifemate, and how his members switch every bit a fast as ours do, and he doesn't have a problem with us doing so (and probably wouldn't even if his people didn't switch that fast too, just because that's the way he is.)

Anyway, after that dream, I got back to sleep, and he got home from work, and (told me later) that the physical body was talking in it's sleep and highly agitated (and I'm not surprised at all! We were switching back and forth even in sleep, having "head conversation," which we usually keep silent while awake, but apparently not in sleep.) So the almost problem: after we'd slept half the day, he eventually came to wake us by touching lightly on the back of the shoulder. This is normally not a problem, except that Reptile won front at that moment. Reptile is a fear/defense/protection that developed into a full member, albeit completely inhuman and very primitively minded (hence the name "Reptile"). Reptile's first move is generally to get out of the way as fast as possible and just be ready to attack if he can't escape. There was no room to escape. We kept Reptile from actually attacking, but things were very confusing there, because since Reptile has no vocal cords, we couldn't speak, and strong emotions seem to prevent anyone else from stepping forward. But, nothing bad actually happened; there's just been more of us stepping out somewhat randomly.

Lia woke up next, but it took me forever to recognize her, because she's apparently reverted to child mode, the scared, sad, "shadow girl." (Oh yeah, for those who knew about the attempt at intra-head dating, Lia and Gage split up shortly after Mickey came forward and stated clearly that Lia was a "deathtrap." Gage was trying to make that work, but he really wasn't happy, and it was affecting him very badly whenever he did come forward. I don't know if any man can deal with Lia and how demanding and needy she gets!) Mickey apparently deals with "problem children" by literally making them children. He does it outwardly in Sims games, but that's just a visualization trick for him to force them to revert inside. We don't have a problem with him doing this, because generally, they start learning all the stuff they somehow didn't get when the body really was a child. (Of course, this only works on those that have been here since childhood, but those do tend to be our literal "problem children.")

Anyway, in more positive news, Jade's been out again, so's Shel, Anakin was up for a while just before we had that dream, Wish was out very briefly some time last week, Myriad came close enough to speak, likewise Lisa, Rhiannon very briefly stepped, (already mentioned were Malice and the one without a name) and to surprise the Hell out of us all, Lynne came forward without being asked or encouraged and revealed some information that might be considered very important, but, well, that's a whole entry of its own, and I need to make sure that I heard what I think I heard before I write that.

Joey

Back to Normal Functioning?

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 00:30:19 GMT

Well, we seem to be back to how we normally function - switching back and forth, in and out, co-blending on a regular basis, whether it be every few days or several times per day. There is no "main" in here, and as far as I or anyone else seems to know, there never has been. We may have someone who's out around people/in public more for a certain length of time, but the switching back and forth regularly when alone or only around a few well-known people is just part of how we function best. Or worst...

Our "tough cases" have been coming out in more private situations, the nameless bitch and Malice to be specific. Either one of those is usually a disaster in a relationship the first time they pop up, but this guy's not impressed by the crap that they pull. Geesh! Where was someone like this when we first all became aware and started coming out randomly? Too many of us held part of ourselves back or failed to develop because there was entirely too much freaking out at the slightest little thing that any of us did when we first came out. Too many people that we knew who would ask first thing, "Is there a dangerous personality?"

Oh well. Better 4 years late than never. Hell, better 10 years late than never! Fuck that, better 14 years late than never! Oh yes, there have been plenty of chances for psych professionals to figure out what we are before, but they missed. Military decided to blame all the randomly shifting, drastically changing behaviors on the bipolar, even though (HELLO!!!) Jacquelyn actually had full time black-outs then when she could not account for her actions or whereabouts, but, typical military treatment - throw pills at it until it goes away, either through actual improvement or giving the problem individual a psych-ward discharge. Women's shelter actually did suggest the possibility of multiple personalities, but with fucktard Jacquelyn and her need to be "normal," she managed to convince herself that it was something else entirely and so we stayed largely unaware and dysfunctional for another 6 years.

Yippie skippy. Anyway, while she was up, Shel came up with a possible way to describe multiplicity so that a therapist might see that integration is not a good idea for systems like ours: Consider for a moment an individual who has spent all of their life living with a large extended family. Not all the family members are desirable to have around at all times, some of them possibly even undesirable at all times, but they are family, and are therefore accepted, odd quirks, negative behaviors, and all; just perhaps their time dealing with "the individual" is extremely limited. Most of the family members are helpful with life situations and encouraging "the individual" to where "the individual" doesn't better at life constantly reaching for their family for help, and the family is happy to provide it. Privacy is something that "this person" is not only unused to, but is actually highly uncomfortable with. Would any good therapist honestly recommend that "the person" leave their family, cut all ties, and go try to handle life on their own? I think not. So, right, understand that "the individual" is whichever member of a multiple system you are dealing with at the moment, and the family is all the other headmates, and you get the idea.

Yeah, Shel could probably add in some other insights on that explanation, but my tummy's a little upset today and my left shoulder possibly has a pinched nerve, and Shel just doesn't deal well with illness and pain.

Joey

Hello, Shel here, back out of dormancy

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 09:26:50 GMT

We had a dream last night, a dream that made Joey very uncomfortable. Joey's one of the "manic-types" in here, I'm one of the depressive types. There are quite a few that enjoy the "depressive" states, and at least two that get asked forward then (Rhiannon and Lynne) because they'll do go do something productive with it! (Rhiannon will either do research or cast gypsy spells that take a month+ and focused intent around a same household point to build, Lynne will do spectacular artwork, that you damn near have to be chair- or couch-bound to complete in the miniscule true-to-life-detail that she does it in!)

I have bad name because that last suicide slash on the left wrist did happen when I was up front. Maybe the Red Witch/nameless one/Renegade/KORE drove me to it, but I accept full responsibility on my own. I didn't really want to die, I just wanted to leave a bad situation. I picked the last man we were involved with, specifically for his gentleness and passiveness, and he was good for us at the time, and some of our gentler, shyer ones came out to him, but once the stronger, meaner, bitchier ones came out, he was overwhelmed, and that's where it all went wrong. There's more stpry to it than that, but I know my time on this comp tonite is limited, so just take that as fact for now; Joey'll probably spell it out in more graphic detail than you ever wanted to know later.

I still have my record. When you live with multiples within a bipolar body, certain "personalities" tend to favor certain mood swings. Some of us are "manic type," some of us are "depressive type." The depressive types have a far harder time proving themselves, simply because they don't tend to get a lot done in the outside world, are are the most susceptible to suicidal fits. I fully accept and admit both negative traits, and have a couple of very ugly scars in my left wrist to prove the latter. Once all the headmates broke past the barriers that I unknowingly erected, there was strong move by the manics to get rid of me, but Wish sees through false illusions, being of the fae/illusory world himself, and strongly declared that I was under HIS protection, and it's just understood in here, that you don't go against Wish, because he just "knows things." I'm still not quite sure what I did to impress Wish, other than taking a given-up-on-any-and-all-faith head and body community and re-exploring witchcraft now that there's actually books out on the shelves, not just going on pure instinct and a few subtle hints like my older headmates had to (because there were only historical reference to ancient "dead" pagan faiths and research into "psychic abilities" books on the shelves when Joey first broke away from and started fully questioning Christianity, and so we had nothing but that, Rhiannon's ancient gypsy/goddess soul that somehow found it's way into this body, and pure instinctive/natural witchcraft to run off of, and Jacquelyn [RIP, may her God rest her soul] guided us into Catholicism [Hey, at least she knew enough to embrace the only Christian branch that follows a Mother Goddess, Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God; it's the name on the borth certificate and any legal paperwork, but she could not handle being multiple, and threatened to take the body and all of us with her if we didn't let her die inside this body])

Oof... we still have to deal with the "Jacquelyn" name, and no paperwork will ever get put forward to change that name, because too many are, or originally were, named from derivatives or contractions of the body name, but we're not disrespectful anymore. Well, not most of us anyway.
Malice damn near broke the love-relationship today, or so we worried. I didn't wake up today, but we had a disturbing dream. Joey knew how to pick it apart, look up individual pieces of it, find some limited meaning there, but she didn't know how to put it back together. I had to take over, help figure it out, and while there's still been co-presencing, hostile take overs, all the shit, well, I'm up and my own woman, depressive traits and all, once again. I'm more likely to sit at home reading a book than go out clubbing, I'd rather watch a movie small-screen in the comfort of my own home than go out and see it on big screen in a full theater, I'd rather spend a lot of time talking to a man before I even think of getting physical with him instead of jumping his bod the second he says something that "flips my trigger" - this does not make me a dead person. Joey laid the groundwork: lots of going out, fun social time, sex to the point that the physical body literally can't do anything but collapse into dead sleep. So I'm up, dealing with this relationship that has apparently won Joey's heart (one of the hardest hearts to win) and he tells me that he loves me, and i give him honest response, "I've gone back through memories of you, and I see nothing wrong, and a lot of things right, but I just don't know you well enough to say those words back. So just walk with me, give me time to get to know you better, and we'll see how I feel once I've had some time to get to know you on my own." He said he respected that and just asked if he could kiss me anyway, because I'm still in his gf's body. I can deal with that.

There have have been other headmates out, and all sorts of mad mayhem and disaster, but that's for another night/another entry. Anyway, the body's slowing down off of it's slight manic high, and the "manic types" can't handle this gentle downgrade. I can. I'm very good in mild depression - just makes me want to get studious and read a lot, and what's the harm there? Cook healthy home-cooked meals and rent movies to watch at home? I'm fine with that! I literally got nicknamed "the Housewife" by the ex bf before I found my own Pure Magick name: Sheldreg. I found myself alone in this body with full knowledge that this body is multiple, so I named myself Shell, as in shell of all the women that were here before me, and Dreg, as in the bitter dregs of what they left behind. Shel has come to fit better, numerology, a beautiful thing that you hunt for on the sea shore, and just a beautiful name. The body is sliding into a mild depression, and we have plenty of books about, and I have my own relationship to build with this multiple male that Joey found on one of her no-aim-yet-dead-on-accuracy moments, so entries might get even more infrequent than they already have been, in both journals. (Joey still wants to tell the amusing story of what's-her-lips/nameless one's encounter, so there could be a an entry tomorrow for all I know.)

We're doing ok though, and will at least try to check in every few days to help out other people, though there haven't been very many situations that we've encountered recently that we really felt like we helped, but you never know, so 'know, don't anybody go and die on us unless it's been at least a week since we've been online. (I know, bad humor, but I'm the last one that put suicide slashes in this body's wrist, and while Joey was still co-present, she did note that they're practically invisible when she's up, but literally stand out from the flesh when I'm up, so I do sort of have the right to make that sort of "joke.")

pure GreenWitch,
made up of recycled parts of "failed" former headmates, and proud of it!
(I seem to have succeeded, and no weakness in grabbing hold of the Dear Mother Goddess for guiding strength!)
Shel

So What? (Hey Joey, it's what you've been asking for. Quit fighting me bitch!)

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 04:14:53 GMT

I don't seem to have an icon here anymore. I've been too long and far out, doing my space pirate thing, having mad adventures all over not just the galaxy but the fucking universe, in my biotechnological ship that I can fully mind link with and that heals me in an aqueous tank whenever even my genetically enhanced super-humanly strong body gets a little too banged up.

I am Jade, true name J8, as in the 8th try that finally succeeded in the J experiment series to build super-human warrior women clones. I am the successful attempt, the too successful attempt, the one that realized it was bred as a slave and killed its own master and a made a life for herself. That's the way the the boys' story runs anyway. I was never supposed to be here. I was the ultra-powerful femme fatale main character of several different books the boys wanted to write. The setting and plot changed all sorts of ways, as they got fascinated by various different themes (spy hunter, sci-fi alien, mutant uprising, genetically enhanced super-agent, whatever), but I remained the main characater, their female ideal, and it SERIOUSLY fucked life up the day Joey got the idea to dress the way I would dress, have a bit too much to drink, and I woke up. And it was all fucked up, because there was a full length mirror on the inside of the door, and I was staring at this body that is nothing like what mine is supposed to be. The only things that were right was I had purple streaks in blonde hair (temp dye) and purple tendrils down the sides of my face and neck (purple caligraphy pen). (If you watch Star Trek Deep Space Nine, let's just say that there's a reason why we find Jad Zea (I know the spellings wrong) highly attractive.)

So now that I've introduced myself, given some background, what brought me forward? Joey's unconquerable heart has been conquered, and since Joey's fully polyamorous, how could "one" man ever get to her? This man that she's found is not median, as she thought possible, but is full multiple. She was ready to deal with him as singlet, but then some of his headmates stepped out. Yes, Joey is fully sexually addicted, but she's even more of a love addict, not neccessarilythe full deep love, but the initial bliss of first falling in love, and when you meet another multiple, you never have to give that up, because there's always the chance that you haven't met them all, so you're monogamous to the same body, but have different emotional relationships with all the different headmates. Joey's happy, and she's the hardest to please as far as lifemate goes! But again, why I am I up? Well, had one step up in his body that said he didn't belong there, was just there to get the main frontrunner's life kicked into gear, get him to leave his lame ass job and find something that actually has a chance to get him promoted and fully doing all the things he's good at instead of just sitting there, killing time, hating every moment of it, only staying there to get rent paid. And I kind of identify with that. This body, this life, this world is not my own, not something I'm good at, but when the cards are fully down, Joey's taken her gamble and lost, and has dropped weak and can't handle front for a bit, that's when I step up.

This is not my world, my life, so I can be strong specifically because I don't tend to get emotionally involved, because I only moonlight here. Joey pulls strength directly off of deep intense emotions, and I grant her right of this body is hers, but even as strong as she is, she sometimes thinks she's even stronger than that, and why Joey's heart is so hard to win is because she seeks not her equal, but someone who's even more than she is, and suddenly finding that, while she was trying to move in the utter opposite direction, well, she's a little overwhelmed. And FUCK Joey's been asking for months for someone to take over for a few days, give her a little break, and I stepped up, super-humanly stronger than she is (in spite of the fact that all my alien/mutant/bio-genetically engineered powers don't actually exist in this body - I still have the mindset) and Joey's been fighting me tooth and nail for front since about 10 minutes after I seized front. And my mind is actually a little fucked up right now. When I first popped up, Joey was mildly buzzed, and I came up straight up sober, fast-killed the rest of a drink, felt nothing. But I've been in this physical flesh for a little while now, and am halfway through another drink, and this body's tolerances are not my tolerances. Yes, I am feeling it, but still in control of it.

Even the strongest have weaknesses. I was built by men's hands (men who live in a female body, but if anything, that makes them even more manly), and I have a soft spot for beautiful male hands. This guy that Joey's picked has scars, a wart on one of his fingers, and they're not the long-fingered pianist hands that I usually look at - no, his hands are thick and heavy, and still just beautifully shaped. And I got the wild card throw - yet another of his headmates showed up - one that doesn't talk, barely even understands spoken language. Lia knows sign language, but we don't let her out in public. Lisa's perfect little mommy, reads such primitive speech as baby-"sign" - she offered to take over for me, Janna did briefly and muttered in Russian and German, but she only knows enough sign/body language to interpret between words she does understand. I'm supposed to have the capacity to read minds, and I understand that some of the other headmates do that with this physical body, but this is not my body, and I simply CAN'T. So how'd that work for me? The entire day has been fucked up from the get go (Joey pushed some buttons that should never have been gone near last night. The only reason it wouldn't have been a fight is because it would have been a "Go get done with your bullshit, coem back when your ready to have a full real relationship. It's been resolved since, but it wasn't a nice way to wake up.), various minor things happened all day, forget shit hitting the fan, just hope you can dodge fast enough because the shit's flying every which way, and guess what? I was built to be a space pirate dogfighter who can survive any and all odds... I was just in my element, and the way I was built, laughter, except for maybe a low dirty chuckle, was not written into what I am, but (yes, even dropping into geek-speak) I LOL'ed!!!

I still don't plan to be more than a moonlighter here in this purely human world, but I never understood humor, why anyone would even want to have that temporary loss of control that laughter is, but now that I've felt it, well, I'm gonna be checking in a lot more regularly to this world and body that isn't mine!

So, lack of icon, they never have found a picture that really looks like me, but this is the most recent "somewhere close" find, and if I went full human form, well, something like this:

J8
(formerly known as Jade)

One Down....

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 06:19:00 GMT

"Deleted Account
Deleted

This journal has been deleted. If you are hanna_grace, you have a period of 30 days from the deletion time to undelete the journal. After 30 days we will delete all content permanently from our servers."

Guess she couldn't handle the truth. Or maybe I just talked a little too hard for her. Hehe.

Was listening to Dresden Dolls - just felt a need for psycho-girl music tonight - but switched over to Concrete Blonde, because it's the music that helped make me who I am, and still plays strong in my heart and soul even now. Guess I finally know why I've been stuck up front for so damned long: When the fit hits the shan, Joey'll stomp right through it. So it was 80's pointy-toe boots with noisy ankle bead trim, spandex acid-wash jeans and a No Fear T-shirt with pixie-cut hair 16 years ago and now it's combat boots, cut off camo shorts and some ripped up top that I modified myself with shoulder-length sex-bomb hair, but it's still the same old me kicking the Hell out of anything or anyone that gets in my way!

From "True":
"And if I had the choice I'd take the voice I got
Cause it was hard to find.
You know I've come too far to wind up right back where I started.
Ahh they tell me who I should be,
I'll never let the monkeys make a mess out of me.
I give all I am and it's all I can do,
But I'm true....
Ahh but I'd stop breathing the day,
That if I can't walk proud, I'd rather walk away.
I do all I am and it's all I can do,
Oh I'm true.

I'd give all I am and I'd give it to you.
So true."

And if you can't handle all of me, well, sucks to be you!

Joey

True
Concrete Blonde
Video/Song

Well I've had enough,
I'll get a pick-up truck and I'll drive away.
I'll take my last ten bucks just as far as it will go.

Ahh sometimes I'm easily fooled,
I take a painful step and I get knocked back too.
I do all I can and it's all I can do,
But I'm true.

And if I had the choice I'd take the voice I got
Cause it was hard to find.
You know I've come too far to wind up right back where I started.
Ahh they tell me who I should be,
I'll never let the monkeys make a mess out of me.
I give all I am and it's all I can do,
But I'm true.

One more sunset
Lay my head down - true
One more sunrise
Open my eyes up - true

And then they talk you up and then they talk you down
And you begin to doubt.
Sometimes the reasons seem so very far away.
Ahh but I'd stop breathing the day,
That if I can't walk proud, I'd rather walk away.
I do all I am and it's all I can do,
Oh I'm true.

I'd give all I am and I'd give it to you.
So true.

Everybody Knows
Concrete Blonde
from Pump Up the Volume
Video/Song

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows that the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight is fixed
the poor stay poor and the rich get rich
That's how it goes
Everybody knows that the boat is sinking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody's got this broken feeling
Like their Momma or there dog just died
Everybody's hands are in their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
and a long stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows
Everybody knows
that's how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows
Everybody knows
that's the way it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that its now or never
Everybody knows that its me or you
Everybody knows that you live forever
When you had a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old black Joe still pickin' cotton
for ribbons and bows
Everybody knows you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you been faithful
Give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you been discrete
So many people you had to meet
without your clothes
and Everybody knows

Everybody knows
Everybody knows
that's the way it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows
Everybody knows
that's how it goes
and Everybody knows

And, for the fuck of it, Video link for "Joey"
(Gawds! I love Johnette Napolitano's voice!)

The Sound of Silence Shatterring

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 08:15:09 GMT

The words may be different, the scene certainly is, but the music stays the same, or at least the artist does. I just recently saw Pump Up the Volume at my lifemate's insistence. (Shit, if he'd just told me from the start that the lead actor was Christian Slater, I would have put up no resistance! That twisted, dirty grin that always looks like he's up to something, the fucked up sense of life, and the sick sense of humor that the majority of his characters seem to have.... I've been hot for him since I first saw him in Heathers!) Anyway, blah blah blah, basic gist of the movie is never running away from the truth, even when it's not a pretty picture, even when, especially when it hurts. Keep talking. Keep telling things like they are. Quit trying to be the picture perfect image that your parents, school, church, psychologist, whatever tell you you should be. Be yourself, fucked up flaws and extreme behaviors and all. Maybe you can't change the world, but you don't have to let the world change you either. You don't have to be a sell-out to the yuppy mainstream ideal. When it all comes down to it, is it better to make tons of money and but work a meaningless job and come home to a spouse you merely tolerate and kids who won't talk to you and the only way you get along is by staring mindlessly at all the expensive technological devices that the money buys until it's time to go to sleep feeling anything but alive at the end of the day, or would you rather be barely getting bills paid living in a shitty apartment with a second hand VCR and a computer so old that the viruses out there can't hurt it but you're coming home to someone that you will never marry but truly love and are just as happy if the power bill doesn't get paid on time staying up half the night just talking or making love and your kid writes for his free-writing assignment in school about how great his mom is and all the wonderful things that she does with him (and you always keep that paper close-by and read it regularly when he does go visit his other parent) and feeling completely alive, loved and happy at the end of each day?

Okay, that got kind of longish for a comparison and a bit out of order and still didn't contain everything, but I think you get the idea, as well as know what life I choose. So when I was 18-19 and going through my first serious "depression," I told my parents my views on life and myself and asked them why they couldn't accept that that's the way life is and the truth of how I am. My father said he wouldn't join me in beating up on myself and my mother stated that I was depressed and needed to see a psychologist. My family was very much about maintaining proper appearances or at least being able to show that they were "doing something about it" (psychologist appointments, mental wards, pills, etc....) when one of their kids did "fuck up" by not being "normal." Heh. I used to have the same button that Christian slater's character has on his desk pinned to my leather jacket until it broke: "Why be normal?" So I'd already come to a lot of the same consclusions and ideas in that movie on my own, most not more than a year after it was released. So it's over 15 years later and I still feel the same: the message must get out. You do not have to be the same as everybody else, to be "normal," to be a bright shiny happy person every single day of your life to be a functional healthy human being. If you prefer your pleasure with a side of pain, your coffee more bitter than sweet, a really mean but accurate insult over sweet but insincere flattery, a fully natural sorrow to an artificially medicated cheerfulness, a good hard solid hard raging argument and a brutal grudge fuck to false promises and apologies to avoid a fight and empty so-called lovemaking afterward, a 2 mile walk on blisters rather than chancing sitting next to a well-intentioned idiot on a bus, would rather live on the street than live with someone or move somewhere that you hate - this does not mean you need to be "fixed;" this simply means that you are someone who can deal with and survive reality at it's ugliest levels, and don't even need the false pretty pictures that mainstream culture broadcasts everywhere as not only what you should want, but what you must have to be a successful human being, but if you ever do need a shoulder to lean on when you have a bad day, you are welcome to walk with me and lean on mine - I may need to lean back someday.

So where is this whole big entry going? Back to the start. Which start? We'll start with the movie, then get to the soundtrack. You can shut one voice up, but hey, we got 24 in here at last count, and there's tons of other multiples out there with all of their many voices. (Shall we even go into the bipolar? Nah. Been off my meds for almost 2 months now and still doing pretty damn good.) Let's break this shit open, start telling people. Not just online or in magazines, but in real life. No lies, only truth, even when it's bitter and it hurts! Fuck the damned idiots that attach to journals looking for something to laugh at! They're the ones who should be getting laughed at, because they're heads are too fucking small to comprehend anything outside of their perception of "normal!" Keep talking.

And soundtrack is going to have to be fully posted at a later date, because I'm getting kicked off of this comp very soon, but it's all Concrete Blonde: True, Everybody Knows, Tomorrow Wendy, Still in Hollywood... lots more, but I'll get the lyrics and maybe links to videos up later. This journal is silent to the public no longer. We have no shame. Those who have rudely attached here to mock, you should be ashamed - ashamed that you cannot even open your mind to the truth.

Love always,
Joey

I have absolutely no idea what this is....

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 06:26:21 GMT

But not like that's ever stopped me before!

Get your own egg here!

Joey